


maybe I'm not okay

by maddylime



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Self-Hatred, does that count as suicidal thoughts, he doesnt get one tho, he thinks about death. because yknow. killing game. chapter 5. yknow, i wrote this cuz i was sad, im so sorry kokichi, its still relevant tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27485323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddylime/pseuds/maddylime
Summary: have you ever thought of how sad kokichi must have been in the killing game? because I have
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 97





	maybe I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> me? projecting onto kokichi ouma? haha maybe  
> anyways this fanfiction is sad and contains a lot of self depreciating and depressed thoughts so if you arent okay with that then you don't have to read it ! your mental health is important !

The world felt all blurry. Like it didn't mean anything anymore. Like he was just numb to all feeling.  


But it's not like he wasn't still hurt. It was more like his emotional wounds were a comforting overall sense of pain, rather than sharp stabs.  


He was used to this. The bitter self-hatred that feels like it reaches down into your soul. Like you'll never be pure again. Never.  


And it was fine, usually. Until it wasn’t.  


Until something just provoked him. Whether it was a loud noise or a random thought, he began spiraling.  


But he would _never ever_ show this to _anyone_.  


_Never._  


He never has and he never will.  


Well, he probably used to, when he was younger. That's probably why he's like this now. He learned from early on that his emotions were pointless.  


Or maybe he just convinced himself that.  


He doesn't know.  


He _did_ know that he needed to stop breaking down. Tears were useless, they didn't get you anywhere. Unless they were fake. But even then, nobody believed him here anyway.  


His whole body felt useless.  


Everything just felt  


Useless  


What's the point?  


He's gonna die anyway. That's part of his plan.  


Thinking about it almost made him feel better.  


Maybe if he did this one good thing he could think that his life was worth living. Like it wasn’t a mistake to be born.  


And even if his plan failed, he wouldn’t be around to annoy the others anymore. So he’d still be doing them a favor.  


*ding dong*  


Kokichi shook violently at the sudden noise, throwing himself on the ground in an impulse reaction. He was sitting right against the door in his room, so it made sense the noise startled him so much.  


Then again, he was weak. Normal people probably would have only jumped a little. They wouldn't have reacted like that.  


“Kokichi?” he heard a voice on the other side of the door.  


Picking himself up, he registered that it was Shuichi.  


The world felt so foggy, his head hurt and he had no real grasp on any decisions.  


But he knew he couldn’t let him in.  


Silence fell between them for a few minutes. The door was really the only thing separating them.  


“...Kokichi?” Shuichi called again, softer this time. Maybe he’d think Kokichi wasn’t in his room.  


The silence happened again.  


In his heart, he knew he wanted to open the door. He wanted Shuichi to see him like this. He just wanted someone to know he was something else than the mask he put on. He knew Shuichi would try to help him. Once he found out he wasn’t lying, of course. Maybe he’d comfort him. Tell him he’d be okay. Hug him, maybe. Let him cry into his shoulder until he can’t anymore. Kiss his forehead. Play with his hair. Something. Anything.  


Yeah, maybe Kokichi had “feelings” for Shuichi.  


That was so selfish of him.  


Nothing like that could ever happen.  


And it _shouldn’t_ happen.  


“Kokichi...?” Shuichi called again, his voice seeming to lose hope that either Kokichi was in there or that he’d come out.  


Kokichi knew that this feeling would pass. And then his glorious mask would be put back on for everyone and himself. And he wouldn’ have to feel like this for a while, he could just ignore it.  


Yeah, he’d be fine.  


The world seems a bit less blurry now.  


He heard footsteps walk away from the door and forced himself to hold back the tears threatening to fall.  


Shuichi left.  


But that’s what he deserved, right?  


Right?  


He started to stand up, strangely feeling better. He still hated himself, but his head stopped hurting. Maybe it was over.  


Maybe…  


He collapsed to the floor once he stood.  


He started sobbing, quietly, and violently. His body was so tired it could barely shake anymore.  


He let Shuichi leave. The one person in here that has the slight possibility of helping him. And he let him leave.  


He wants him to come back. He _needs_ him to come back. He just wants a _hug._ It would feel so nice to just fall into his arms right now. To just not worry about anything. To not worry about this, this killing game. To have someone just hug him so tightly everything bad goes away.  


Maybe it was pathetic, but all he could think of was how badly he needed comfort right now. Scenarios flooded his mind but none of them were real.  


He’d never be hugged again.  


That thought alone made him sob even harder.  


He felt so alone. So distant from everyone else. And it was _his fault. He’s_ the one who did this to himself.  


It’s not like he didn’t deserve this pain. But he wanted so much more.  


What would have happened if he let Shuichi in? Would he have run away? Or would he really have done everything Kokichi silently hoped for?  


Is it too late to run after him?  


He just needed someone right now. The loneliness was beginning to choke him.  


He feels like he might actually be choking. It was hard to breathe correctly right now. He kept forgetting to in between all of his sobs and even when he did, his breaths were shaky and not fulfilling.  


He had to calm down, he needed to stop being like this. He couldn’t do this here. He couldn’t.  


But he kept crying. Over and over again. Until his thoughts went blank and he felt overwhelmingly tired.  


Once the tears stopped, he looked up from the floor and saw his messy room, further solidifying where he was right now.  


He slowly stood up and noticed that he didn’t feel like collapsing to the floor anymore.  


He still felt shaky, but for the most part, it was over.  


It was just so tiring to cry and freak out like that. There’s probably some sort of actual term for what he just went through but he didn’t know it. He knew he wasn’t mentally healthy but he was never really in the greatest place to seek help.  


Nevertheless, he was tired.  


Actually, it should be night time soon. Maybe he should actually sleep tonight.  


Yeah, probably not...  


But at least he felt kind of better.  


Though he knew he would never really feel completely okay again.  


…  


Eh, whatever.  


It was fine.  


That’s just the way life was!  


…  


Anyway! Kokichi had stuff to do. He had to make sure his plan was still working correctly. Thank God he didn't open the door for Shuichi. That would have ruined everything.  


The plan was almost over soon. All he needed to do was deal with this for a little while longer…  


And he could. No, he _had_ to.  


And then once it’s over, he won’t have to worry anymore!  


Probably because he’d be dead but, does that really matter?  


He wonders what Shuichi would think. Would he care that he died? Or would he have other people to care about? Maybe he’d be relieved that he was gone. Or he could be devastated.  


Well, Kokichi at least wants him to remember him.  


Why would you remember someone you hate, though?  


…  


Actually, maybe he should go to sleep. It seemed like a cowardly way out of his thoughts but he didn’t want to freak out again. He was just so tired...  


He absentmindedly climbed into bed, closing his eyes immediately. He hoped sleep got to him before his thoughts did.  


There was no room for daydreams in a killing game, so he couldn’t rely on that to help him sleep. All he could do was stay as still as possible and try not to think of anything.  


But no matter how many times he told himself that, he still managed to let his mind wander to better situations. One where this killing game doesn’t exist. Where everyone was alive and somewhat happy.  


And maybe, just maybe, one where he wasn’t as alone. One where he didn’t have to refuse to open the door. One where he could let them in. One where he could let himself be seen in an almost vulnerable position and it doesn’t backfire on him. One where he could let himself almost be understood. One where he can feel someone’s safe embrace. One where he can hear reassuring words whispered to him. One where he finally gets the comfort he has desperately needed for so long.  


And eventually, he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> yikes that was sad im sorry  
> if you feel like this I hope you feel better :)


End file.
